Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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