his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
