she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
