I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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