the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize