i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
