When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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