The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Randomize
