I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
