if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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