I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
