when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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