We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
