So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
