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So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
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