Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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