i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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