I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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