my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
