Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
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