I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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