Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
