seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
i've created a new STD.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
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