I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I showed him my bush... on skype.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
