I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
