If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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