hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
