I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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