Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
