why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
organizing the empties. That sober.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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