a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Randomize
