i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
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