she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
