Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
