I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Randomize
