i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
