i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
