So drunk, too bad you don't want this
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
