someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
