It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
