I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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