Jerry, you need to find god
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
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