My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
