I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
