dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
