so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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