He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
