We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
