Who did Billy Mays play for?
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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