If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
