CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
