just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
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