you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize