Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
