remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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