Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
