What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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