watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
